Category: Other Thoughts

My daughter has been asking me important but uncomfortable questions about death.  As today marks what would have been our anniversary, what better time to think about them?

My mother’s dearest friend, Aunt Jane Rosen, had three daughters, Bobby, Marcy and Dale. My sister and I spent a lot of time with them when we were growing up. They were and are wonderful role models.  Marcy is the founder of an organization called End of Life Wisdom and I know she could do this a LOT better than I.

My sister’s husband, Randy, died two weeks ago.  He, unlike my husband, Nick, signed no DNR papers.  He wanted to stay alive even though he was totally bedridden and besides the love of his wife and daughter had virtually no quality of life.  He died at home with Maggie and Barbara beside him after a week of going in and out of consciousness and having no food or water. Randy died a very slow and lingering death.

Nick was the opposite. He signed every legal document necessary to be sure the plug was pulled. It was almost a surprise when it finally happened as he had pulled through on so many occasions over the last two years. Although Nick had been failing in health, his death was unexpected. I had brought him to the ER because the cold he had made breathing difficult. He was put on some antibiotics and given oxygen. He was doing well and listening to one of his books on tape. His doctor wanted him to stay the night to make sure he had the oxygen. In the middle of a conversation with his doctor his breath became extremely labored and his blood pressure skyrocketed. He had enough of his wits about him to remind his doctor that he wanted no intubation, no extraordinary measures. Luckily the doctor reached me (a friend had taken me out to dinner to get me out of the hospital) and I was able to call both my children to the hospital. Nick died about a half hour after we got there. He was heavily medicated and I don’t think he knew that he was dying.

As Laura now wants to know, what happens then? It was easy here. It’s a small town and I am friendly with Glen, the funeral director. The staff at the hospital was lovely. They just asked which funeral home should be called, I told them, and that was it. I signed whatever papers the hospital needed, then signed some more the next day at the funeral home. I had to identify Nick, a requirement before cremation. Glen notified the local paper and a small notice was published the next day.

Since Nick had been cremated and it was just a few days before New Years Eve, we decided to postpone the memorial service for ten days so it would be easy for family and friends to travel here.

Lee, Laura, and I spent several hours writing an obituary. We really wanted the essence of Nick to come through, not just give names and dates. I think we succeeded.

We had a wonderful service for him. I had asked talented friends if they would sing and service started with a rollicking version of a song Nick used to sing to the kids, “My Father Was The Keeper of the Eddystone Light” (and he married a mermaid one fine night)!  When they were done, there was a shocked silence for a few seconds, then a huge round of applause.  Nick would have loved it.  I had asked several friends if they would talk about Nick, and his college roommate elicited many laughs with the stories he told.

Afterwards, people came to the house where friends had prepared a huge buffet and the booze was plentiful.  It was a party he would have loved.  A friend came up to me and asked if I would be in charge of her funeral!

Then the only thing left was the legalities.  Just a phone call to my lawyer, a dear friend, and the mechanisms of government and the IRS were set in motion.

So, Laura, there is no mystery as to what to do when death comes.  Having a  good head and wise friends helps.  As does a good lawyer, but Ashley will always see you and Lee right!

I am sure that Marcy would make herself available to you and Lee.  She is an expert on the mechanics, and a loving friend.

endoflifewisdom.org

When Nancy called today and asked if I wanted to see Beatlemania tonight I thought for a few seconds and said, “Sure!”

I know I’ve talked about how nice it is to live in a college town, but I am constantly being reminded of that fact. It was a short drive downtown, available parking a block away, easy peasy.

We met at the corner of College and Allen and walked up to Old Main lawn. This beautiful expanse sits in front of the oldest building on campus. Hundreds of people had already set up their lawn chairs and coolers, totes and plastic supermarket bags were unloaded with picnics.

It absolutely poured last night and into this morning and today was cloudy and humid. But the sky was blue and the air fresh this evening.

We found our spot, took out our turkey sandwiches and waited for the show to begin.

Ed Sullivan’s voice boomed from the loudspeakers as he introduced the young group from England. And this tribute group started to play.

There were lots of gray heads in the crowd, and as I looked around, everyone was nodding or tapping or singing along.

For two hours, we were royally entertained. It’s just amazing how the words come back and there is no embarrassment at singing along. When “Hey, Jude” started, a few lighters came out, as well as the modern day equivalent, the cell phone flashlight.

We watched the clouds pass by, the sky slowly darkened, the stars came out.

How did the years pass so quickly?  I remember sitting with my parents watching the Ed Sullivan show.  It just doesn’t seem so long ago.  I saw the children dancing on the lawn, and it seems like yesterday my kids were dancing around, too.  Now I am one of the gray heads, or I would be if not for the miracle of hair color.

After the encore, we sighed, packed up and left a contribution in an unattended jar.   A quick walk to the car, and home in a few minutes.

Tempus fugit.

As a product of the metropolitan NYC area, I never would have guessed that I would end up in rural Pennsylvania. Next year I will start my 40th year here.

I am so lucky! This place makes a complicated life easier.  Need some milk for breakfast?  No problem. In a few minutes this task is accomplished, only 2 traffic lights and parking spaces freely available. Just about everything is within 15 minutes.  If I have to go to the other side of town, I think twice. It just seems like such a long trip.  Of course shopping can be limited, but nothing that Amazon Prime or Bloomingdales.com can’t solve.  The only thing we are missing is excellent specialized health care.

The biggest bonus I have is my friends. I just took a walk and halfway around my circuit I saw my friend Margie sitting outside. I ended up sitting on her patio and spending a half hour with her and her spectacular daughter Morgan. This is what people did in the olden days, sit and visit. No smartphones in sight, just lazy conversation on a perfect summer day. Morgan just returned from a six week stint volunteering at a school in a very disadvantaged area in Nicaragua. Roaches, insects, mosquitoes were routine visitors, but she just got on with it.  She is a star.

Morgan and her two sisters, Emily and Anna, used to walk up to the house and visit with Nick. He loved it when they knocked at the door. They would bring their dog or walk Omega (Nick’s guide dog) and always took loads of time to be with Nick.

Neighbors are also treasured. On our block, dinners together are common, as is sharing produce from the garden (thank you in advance, Amos) or walking each other’s dogs.

It’s also nice to have friends of all ages. I still treasure the comment of a friend’s son, who referred to me as “Lynn.”  She said to him, “Do you mean Mrs. Petnick” and he replied, “No, she’s my friend, Lynn!”

Of course being in a small town has some disadvantages for my son and his family. How many times have my son and grandsons been asked if they are related to Nick? They will never be able to get away with anything!

There is always a friend to help me drop off my car at the mechanic, or to pick me up at the airport.  And several make it a point to invite me to dinner. That is always a treat.

When Nick got sick, it surprised and shocked (and sickened) me that several of the people I had though were good friends, dropped us like a hot potato. I later learned that this is not an uncommon experience. The silver lining was the friends who really stepped up.  I tear up when I think of their goodness.

So I raise my glass to small town life and the friends who enrich it.

I met Sally when we were both newcomers to town.  This was many many years ago, before kids.  We had an instant connection, and our families became friends.  My husband even babysat for her small daughter when Sally and John went to the hospital for Margaret’s birth.  (I was large with child at the time).

We stayed in touch as Sally and her family moved around the country.  John is a scientist and administrator of national repute.  As it often happens, our conversations became fewer and fewer, but when I heard her voice on the telephone, it was as if we had just spoken the day before.

I don’t think we have spoken in several years.  But the phone rang today as I was browsing the racks at TJMaxx.  It was Sally.  She had read my blog and decided to pick up the phone and call.

I hid out in housewares and we spoke for a half hour.  Things were just the same, as if we had lunched together last week.  We absolutely promised to keep in frequent touch.  Her eldest daughter and family just moved to Bethesda so we will arrange to meet when I am visiting my daughter in DC.  I can’t wait.

Friends like Sally don’t come around often.

I am getting over my jet lag and now manage to sleep until 7 or so. It’s Monday morning and I still haven’t restarted delivery of the local paper, so instead of the dubious pleasure of seeing who died over the weekend, I have a book to keep me company over coffee.

Yesterday was a tough day for my daughter. It was Father’s Day and also would have been her dad’s 69th birthday. Nick was sick for a very long time and he was ready to go. We all knew that, talked about it, but the reality of it still occasionally smacks us in the face.

Laura and Stu also changed apartments this weekend. Here’s an interesting story. They were to have a significant increase in rent and started looking at apartments in DC. Many, many apartments. Some were too far out, some in “transitional” neighborhoods, some ridiculously expensive. Then Stu happened to notice that an apartment in their current building was listed for rent for $400. less than their current rent. Same apartment but 4 floors higher. Of course he went to the manager and rental agent. Both confirmed the price and said they would have to move to take advantage of the lower rent. This is just crazy!

So now they have a freshly painted apartment with a new bathroom.

In any case, I think that Laura’s meltdown was as much about her father as it was about the exhaustion of moving.  She is lucky to have an understanding husband who takes her occasional tears in stride. He, of course, is just lucky to have her!

It is simply too easy to remain at the kitchen table with my coffee cup and book. Time to rouse myself and get out of the house.  Otherwise my refrigerator calls to me.  Time for a walk.